Jays Fanz - The Yankees Are Ruining Baseball (And Contributing To Global Warming)!

The Yankees Are Ruining Baseball (And Contributing To Global Warming)!

It’s hard to control my emotions when talking about how much I hate the Yankees, so let’s just say that they’ll be the first ones up against the wall when the revolution begins. Why do legions of baseball fans loathe the pin-stripers? For me, it’s a combination of their reckless disregard for spending, the sense of entitlement, boorish fans, Andy Pettitte’s nose (and Mormonism; yes, I said it), and the fact that they made Johnny Damon cut his caveman hair and beard.

Reckless spending? Let’s catalogue it if you will:

TEAM PAYROLL: Damn, they came close to breaking $200 mil again, close enough to smell it wafting across the room like a... Some quick math; that Yankee total you see before you is more than the Jays, Orioles, and D-Rays combined. At least the Jays were one of only 6 teams in the bottom 15 to finish over .500. And yes, it’s probably time for the once-proud Orioles to disband and reconstitute themselves as a WNBA team.

MLB TEAM	PAYROLL (US$)
1. NY Yankees	195,229,045
2. Boston	143,123,714
3. NY Mets	116,115,819
4. Chicago Sox	109,290,167
5. LA Angels	109,251,333
6. LA Dodgers	108,704,524
7. Seattle	106,516,833
8. Chicago Cubs	99,936,999
9. Detroit	95,180,369
10. Baltimore	95,107,808
11. San Francisco	90,469,056
12. St. Louis	90,286,823
13. Atlanta	89,492,685
14. Philadelphia	89,368,213
15. Houston	87,759,500
16. Oakland	79,938,369
17. Toronto	79,925,600
18. Milwaukee	71,986,500
19. Minnesota	71,439,500
20. Cincinnati	69,654,980
21. Texas	68,818,675
22. Kansas City	67,366,500
23. Cleveland	61,289,667
24. San Diego	58,235,567
25. Colorado	54,424,000
26. Arizona	52,067,546
27. Pittsburgh	38,604,500
28. Washington	37,347,500
29. Florida	30,507,000
30. Tampa Bay	24,124,200
Note: Team salaries do not represent full team payroll. Number listed includes current salary for all players currently on the roster.

Courtesy of ESPN.

A $7 MILLION MANAGER in Joe Torre. That’s double the salary of Cubs spazz-tard Sweet Lou Pinella, the next best paid skipper in the MLB. At least Pinella kicks dirt and swears for his money. $7 mil for a manager, no shit! Bernie Williams would’ve done it for free, but he’d insert himself as a pinch-hitter once a game. Tradeoffs.

ROGER CLEMENS GETS JUST UNDER $1 MILLION PER START: He’s just that good, right? Try an ERA of 4.18 and a 6-6 record. Who would’ve predicted that the beer-gutted 44-year-old legend would struggle to get out of 5^th inning every time out? Me, pretty much everyone else, some other guys…

Roger Clemens: his love of money was well-documented, but apparently he also has a thing for ladies of the evening.

LAZY AND/OR SHITBALLING STARTERS: CARL PAVANO AND KEI IGAWA DIVISION: Carl “American Idle” Pavano does Clemens one better by collecting just under $1 million for each of his 11 innings this year. Hopefully his buttock, elbow Ferrari and whatever else was bothering him will be fully healed for next year. Japanese free agent Kei Igawa was demoted to AAA Columbus for a spell for Josh Towers-y crappiness, ending up the year with a 6.25 ERA in 67 innings. The Yankees must be glad they landed this prized pony for a modest $26 million posting fee and 5-year $20 million deal last off-season. Oh to be young and in love.

KYLE FARNSWORTH: The only baseball player to wear his pants tighter than Randy on Trailer Park Boys, Farnsworth was used in late-inning high-leverage situations in the pre-Joba period because he was paid like a reliever you’d expect to produce results in late-inning high-leverage situations ($5,666,667 million). Too bad he sucked hard to the tune of a 1.45 WHIP and 4.80 ERA. Fuming Yankee fans disliked the way he repeatedly blew late game leads, but I really didn’t have a problem with it.

JASON GIAMBI: It seemed like Giambi was in a public confessional all year long with the way he made a back-handed admission that he’d been a steroid user and got hauled before Sen. Mitchell. Hearing this obvious truth was about as awkward as it must have been those years ago when Elton John finally announced to the world that he was, in fact, a gay man. I digress. Strangely, Giambi’s performance has been in steady decline as aging and a lack of illegal drugs take their toll. He hit a mortal .236/.356/.433 for his $23.4 million, which is just a little bit less than the D-Rays 2007 payroll.

Considering all this it’s only fitting to see A-Rod, the Yankees greedy, purple-lipped superstar, threatening to walk away from the most-free spending team in the history of the sport for more money. There will be no crueler irony to Yankees fans than if the organization that has frittered cash away like it was going out of style finds itself caught short when it comes time to extend the biggest bat in their lineup.

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!

At last press, Scott Boras, A-Rod’s agent and purveyor of grossly inflated contracts to any club stupid enough to take them, has called for a 10-year $300 million deal for his client. Why not a bajillion dollars? How about a unicorn? The right of prima noctis for every woman married in the continental United States? Eternal life? The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg? Seriously, aim high, fellas, because there’s only one club stupid rich enough to meet all of your demands. Take a big guess which one.

-- johnny was